Stale Book Review #42-44: I, Michael Bennett, Gone, Burn

I, Michael Bennett by James Patterson

Cost: $4.95US

Page Count: Some

When I sat down to write these reviews (3 for 1, right!) I skimmed through some other opinions on the internet and found that…well, just about everyone hates I, Michael Bennett.  Seems a little rough, but to each their own.

There is NOTHING better than a book written by James Patterson to break you of a serious reading slump.  His books are literary popcorn.  Page after page read and gone before you can blink an eye.  I, Michael Bennett is another one of his speed-readers.

I dislike the premise of the Bennett series from the start.  Mainly it had to do with the 10 kids, dead wife, grandfather priest, and hot nanny - thing.  So, I reluctantly picked up I, Michael Bennett and gave it a whirl.  It wasn't too bad.

Let's start at the beginning.  Warning, spoilers abound…because, well, I just don't care about you or your feelings.  So, Michael Bennett, a NYC detective collars a real bad guy, Mexican drug lord Manuel Perrine.  This is apparently a big deal and feather in the cap of Bennett.  Until, things go haywire.

Bennett's good friend gets shot and all hell breaks loose because Perrine really, really does not want to be in jail.

Meanwhile, in Upstate New York, hot nanny has the kids and the priest on a little family summer vacation.  Bennett joins when he can…with the trial going on in the city, it's tough.  So, the family has having a great time in a cabin near a town where tough times have fallen.  Once an idyllic rural town, drugs and gangs have taken over…welcome to America, Mr. Patterson.

Here's the rest:  2 of Bennett's kids get shot because they were trying to get some poontang.  Bennett gets pissed.  Bennett is also working with an old (hot) friend on the Perrine case because she is a DA. Back and forth between vacation and work for Michael.  Drug gangs in Smalltown USA are paid by Perrine's people to get Bennett.  Doesn't work.  Bennett clears the gangs with the help of the local police force and Perrine escapes during his trial.  Then…Bennett and his brood must relocate with the help of the US Marshal Service.  Witness protection, baby!

Since you are getting 3 reviews in 1 these will be quick…Patterson-style.
________________________________________________________________________

Gone by James Patterson

Cost: $2.95US

Page Count: Some

Gone picks up right where I, Michael Bennett leaves off.  The Bennett gang has been moved out to Northern California to a farm. The kids, predictably, both love and hate it.  Hot nanny really loves it as she was raised on a farm.  Priest doesn't give a shit.

But Bennett, HATES it.  No policing to be done.

Perrine has people out to find and kill Bennett because he hates him, of course.  Thus begins a game of hide and seek.  Bennett is homeschooling the family and Gone deals a lot with the dynamics of the family unit.  This was boring to we.  Who cares, really?

A friendly pot farmer nearby is introduced (then killed).  He seems cool.

Perrine's folks finally find Bennett's group and perform a raid while Bennett is gone consulting with the FBI and another hot female.  Kind of predictable.

Anyway, Bennett rushes back to find dead people and no family.  Where are they?  With the kindly pot farmer, of course.  Pot guy has a sweet underground bunker and has everyone safe.  Then…he gets killed trying to save the day.  Who says potheads don't have an industrious streak?

The US then raids Perrine's compound in Mexico and that fucker is killed dead.

The Bennett's can now go back to NYC.  Yay.
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Burn by James Patterson

Cost: $3.95US

Page Count: Some

So, I read these three right in a row.  This is something I hardly ever do and I wish I would have stopped with Gone.  But, no.  Burn was in the bargain bin so I had to keep going.

Anyway, the Bennett's are now back to their old lives in NYC.  Kids are in school. Hot nanny and Bennett are heating things up…a little.  Bennett is back to work.  Sort of.

Bennett has been reassigned and is disappointed.  He has been put with a ragtag community policing division and things couldn't be more dull.

That is until Bennett is asked to consult on some major jewel heists.  This is cool…I like a good jewel heist.  However, this part of the story falls flat.  Bummer.

Now for the cannibalism.

Apparently, there is a section of the upper crust of society that enjoys eating people. Neat.  Bennett and his team get on this case…due mainly to some burned building.  Anyway, Bennett turns his little unit of miscreant cops into a crime fighting machine.  That's nice.

Police work ensues and Bennett and his crew figure it all out.

The end.

Wish I had not have read this one.

Stale Single #2: Mexico

Song:  Mexico
Artist:  James Taylor
Album:  Gorilla
Year:  1975

James Taylor seems, and this is purely conjecture and speculation, like such a douche.  Maybe it's just my perception but that's the way man comes across.

But, he can write some fucking hits.

Mexico is easily my favorite in a catalog that is just riddled with hit songs from the '70s.  Hell, you could barely turn on the AM radio back in the day without hearing Baby James.  He was that freakin' hot at the time.

Anyway...Mexico has this groove that James didn't let out all that often.  The fact that he is singing about a place he had never been just cracks me up, too.  Don't believe me?  Just listen to the lyrics.

"Ooooh Mexico. 
Never really been 
So I don't really know"

Love that.

If you are having a bad day...you know, if the landlord wants the rent, the baby is hungry, or your crack dealer won't return your call...listen to Mexico.  It is guranteed to lift your spirits for three minutes and one second.

Great song.  Even if James is kind of a douche bag.

RIP Lemmy

A true metal giant has exited stage left for the final time.  RIP you filthy bastard.

Stale Book Review #42: 101 Proof

101 Proof:  The Inside Story of Pantera by Rex Brown

Cost: $4.00US

Page Count: 304

Can't you see? I'm easily bothered by persistence

One step from lashing out at you

You want in to get under my skin and call yourself a friend

I've got more friends like you, what do I do?

Walk - Pantera

It is under my estimation that Walk, by Pantera, is one of the top five metal songs ever written.  It's a classic.  So, during my weekly sojourn at the local used book shop I stumbled across the book written by Pantera bassist, Rex Brown.  I had to have this book.  Of course, I don't ever pay full price…so I had to wait until it hit the used shelves.  Bought it, I did.

Unlike many rock biographies, 101 Proof isn't a redemption story.  It's really just a story.  The tale of one man and his bandmates as they climbed from relative obscurity of the club scene of Dallas, Texas to the untold many millions of records sold.  

The story of Pantera has been told and retold hundreds of times.  So, if you want the Pantera backstory hit Wikipedia or the many myriad of Pantera fan sites scattered across the inter webs.

101 Proof was fairly well-written.  Rex and his co-author did a nice job of piecing together (cobbling together from drunken memories, I assume) the book.  Where some of the books of this ilk are a little roughshod (Zakk Wylde, I'm looking at you and your "book") this one had a good flow and the reader could definitely tell that Rex was withholding a lot of detail.

Which leads me to my problem with 101 Proof.  Rex Brown is hiding a lot.  Maybe it's out of respect for the fallen Dimebag Darrell (RIP) or maybe it's just because Rex seems like a private dude…I don't know why but it seems like Rex is keeping a lot of information back from his fans.  I respect that but I expected some dirt.  Oh well.  A little disappointing but not really surprising.

Being the empath that I am, I can see how writing this book would have been both cathartic AND agonizing for Rex.  So, much respect for even giving it a go.

101 Proof takes you from the dirty? Dallas club scene where Pantera cut their teeth to the many debaucheries of life on the road with the band.  I can imagine that the times on the road were 100x more insane than Rex lets on.  Rumor has it that these guys partied just as hard as they hit it on stage.  I just wanted some of these stories from an insider.

Pantera was a great metal band.  One of the best.  Rex Brown was a large part of that and is a fantastic player in his own right.  He was in the band with some HUGE personalities so a lot his dynamic can get overshadowed.  But, Rex can play.  Just listen.

101 Proof is a good read.  It is essential for Pantera fans.  But, if you are expecting story after drunken story about life on the road with the band…and there are some of those…you may be a little let down. A little.

Stale DVD Review #3: Idiocracy

Idiocracy

Starring: Luke Wilson, Maya Rudolph

Running Time:  84Min

Cost: $3.99US

According to my sources on the internets, Idiocracy made just under 500K in worldwide box office sales.  Worldwide.  If I were the analytical type, I would say that the whole project of Idiocracy was a complete flop.  Hell, if you said that to me...I may actually have to cede to the fact that you may have a point.  But if you have seen the movie you would not declare it a flop.

The movie Idiocracy is a warning sign of things to come by director/writer/do-it-all Mike Judge. Yes, this is  the same same Mike Judge that brought us Beavis and Butthead...two slackers that, shit, much of the teenage population resembles.  He also brought us King of the Hill (which is genius in it's own right).  Anyway, I tell you right now that Idiocracy is prophetic.  It'll just take a while to find out.

The premise of the movie starts with Army Corporal Joe volunteering to go into deep hibernation for a government experiment.  Joe is joined in the experiment by Rita, a whore.  So far so good for premises, right!  Anyway, the government scuttles the program quickly after Joe and Rita are put into suspended animation.  Therefore, these two are essentially forgotten about for five hundred years when a gigantic garbage pile collapses and the animation pods of Rita and Joe are cast into the city and opened up.  Little do Joe and Rita know, five hundred years of evolution has not been kind to the world.

Everyone is fucking ridiculously stupid.

Joe ends up in the apartment of Frito (Dax Shepard), who is a lawyer.   Joe gets arrested and has to go to court (which is fucking hilarious).  Frito ends up being his court appointed lawyer and "defends" Joe.  He's accused of "Not being scannable, talking like a fag, and being all retarded" (paraphrased of course).

Frito: [Acting as Joe's public defender] It says here you robbed a hospital. Why'd you do that?

Pvt. Joe Bowers: I'm not guilty!

Frito: That's not what the other lawyer said.

Anyway, Joe goes to prison and Rita tools around the city as a prostitute.  In prison, Joe is given an aptitude test where it is determined that he is, indeed, the smartest man on the planet.

Word gets to the highest levels of government and after some hilarity with the president himself, Terry Crews as President Camacho, Joe becomes secretary of the interior where he is to solve the biggest problem in the country...plants won't grow and some other shit.

So, Joe (now known as Secretary Not Sure) must solve the riddle of no plants growing.  Turns out, people have been putting a Gatorade-like soft drink (Brawndo) onto their crops.  Apparently, Brawndo has electrolytes and is what plants crave.  Joe is like  "huh" and then suggests that instead of using Brawndo on the crops you use some water (Like from the toilet?).  The premise is so ridiculous but everyone in this movie is so stupid that it just fits.

I seriously could go on and on about this little cult classic.  Only 500K in worldwide sales?  Fuck, that's crazy.  Idiocracy is a very funny movie with so many tiny details that will make you chuckle and so many lines to quote when you are at parties.  Fun times.

Gotta go now, "Ow! My Balls" is on.

Maxi-Single #1: Drive

Back in the 80's and 90's the record companies had a practice of releasing singles to the world for their hot acts.  This started with 45rpm records is how my mom and many in her generation first heard "I wanna hold your hand" and "Jumpin' jack flash".  This was the 50's and 60's, of course.  But, during later generations the maxi-single tape and CD's came on strong.  If you don't remember these things in real lift, look it up...the concept is interesting.

Generally, a maxi-single is a single with more songs.  Typically, three.  The record companies released these as promotional materials (yeah, they sold them too) in order to push more records. Pretty clever.

Anyway, Stale Reviews is going to release our own series of Maxi-Singles.  These Maxi's will be theme-based.  So, you will see songs that are related in some way.  Maybe it'll be the title...like today's Maxi-single.  Or, it may be something more obscure like "songs from bands with a guitar player missing at least one finger".  We'll try to have a little fun with it.

Stale Reviews Maxi-single #1:  Drive

Track 1:  Drive
Artist:  Incubus
Album:  Make Yourself
www.incubushq.com

Oh boy!  First up is the biggest hit Incubus has ever put out, Drive.  Nice song, for sure.  According to Wikipedia, the Incubus song Drive is all about fear and how fear drives us and influences us throughout our whole lives.  I can see that.

"Whatever tomorrow brings I will be there, with open arms and open eyes".  

Track 2:  Drive

Artist:  The Cars

Album:  Heartbeat City

www.thecars.org

The second Drive track comes from post-new wave act The Cars.  The Cars are apparently still going strong after a very long hiatus in which singer Ric Ocasek went to do his own thing and produce other records (an endeavor which he is very successful).  

The Cars had like a billion top 10 hits in the late-70's and 80's...Shake It Up, You Might Think, My Best Friends Girl, Just What I Needed, and this one, Drive.  A slow jam.  Put it on, grab your girl or guy and have a slow dance or something.

Track 3:  Drive

Artist:  Dispatch

Album:  Bang Bang

www.dispatchmusic.com

Drive, by Massachusetts jam band Dispatch, is all acoustic guitars and bongos.  Seriously.  Ok, so there's a little more to it but you'll have to check it out.  Anyway, if you are not familiar with Dispatch...well, this will be where I get a charge out of telling someone about a band they hadn't

heard before.  

Let's just say this:  Zero publicity, zero play on the radio, zero notice...but somehow they sell out Madison Square Garden AND when they played in Mass for their "last" show they expected about 10-20K fans.  160,000 showed up for the free show.  Their albums are pretty amazing, too.  Check 'em out if you haven't already.

Stale Single #1: Jacob's Ladder

Song:  Jacob's Ladder
Artist:  Huey Lewis & The News
Album:  Fore!
Year:  1986

"Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?"

- Patrick Bateman, American Psycho

You know that scene in American Psycho where Patrick Bateman is giving his treatise on Huey Lewis and the News?  It's such a great scene because of the impending murder of who he is talking to, but also because of the simple idle chat of one of the greatest bands of the '80s.

For real.  Many of you all don't even remember the 1980's.  But, if you had any sense of the pulse of popular culture back then you would know all about Huey and his band.  Huey Lewis and the News was EVERYWHERE back in the day.  Movies (Back To The Future), TV shows, MTV, etc...the band was all over the place.  Say what you want about Huey Lewis and the News.  Tell me that they are lame '80s bullshit.  But, I will say "Fuck you, kind sir.  Huey Lewis and the News were the absolute shit".  Respectfully, of course.

Anyway,  Jacob's Ladder is one of my favorite tunes of Huey and the guys.  It wasn't really one of their smash hits back in the day but it's truly a great song.  Written by the venerable Bruce Hornsby and his brother, Bruce gave it to his friend Huey to record and use on their album.  Actually, Bruce and his band did a fantastic rendition of Jacob's Ladder on their album Scenes From The Southside.  

The song itself is all about rejecting those biblical proselytizers that often are seen on television spewing hellfire and brimstone or out and about on the street berating others about their lifestyle and their need to repent.

Like that poor fan-dancer out in the south side of Birmingham.

Life is a struggle, yo, says Huey through the lyrics of his friend Bruce.  But...step by step, one day at a time, anyone can make it through.  It's truly one of those uplifting songs.

So, this is our first Stale Single...hope you like it.  Sometimes it's fun just to look at one song, tell a quick story, and get the fuck out before anyone gets bored.