Stale DVD Review #3: Idiocracy

Idiocracy

Starring: Luke Wilson, Maya Rudolph

Running Time:  84Min

Cost: $3.99US

According to my sources on the internets, Idiocracy made just under 500K in worldwide box office sales.  Worldwide.  If I were the analytical type, I would say that the whole project of Idiocracy was a complete flop.  Hell, if you said that to me...I may actually have to cede to the fact that you may have a point.  But if you have seen the movie you would not declare it a flop.

The movie Idiocracy is a warning sign of things to come by director/writer/do-it-all Mike Judge. Yes, this is  the same same Mike Judge that brought us Beavis and Butthead...two slackers that, shit, much of the teenage population resembles.  He also brought us King of the Hill (which is genius in it's own right).  Anyway, I tell you right now that Idiocracy is prophetic.  It'll just take a while to find out.

The premise of the movie starts with Army Corporal Joe volunteering to go into deep hibernation for a government experiment.  Joe is joined in the experiment by Rita, a whore.  So far so good for premises, right!  Anyway, the government scuttles the program quickly after Joe and Rita are put into suspended animation.  Therefore, these two are essentially forgotten about for five hundred years when a gigantic garbage pile collapses and the animation pods of Rita and Joe are cast into the city and opened up.  Little do Joe and Rita know, five hundred years of evolution has not been kind to the world.

Everyone is fucking ridiculously stupid.

Joe ends up in the apartment of Frito (Dax Shepard), who is a lawyer.   Joe gets arrested and has to go to court (which is fucking hilarious).  Frito ends up being his court appointed lawyer and "defends" Joe.  He's accused of "Not being scannable, talking like a fag, and being all retarded" (paraphrased of course).

Frito: [Acting as Joe's public defender] It says here you robbed a hospital. Why'd you do that?

Pvt. Joe Bowers: I'm not guilty!

Frito: That's not what the other lawyer said.

Anyway, Joe goes to prison and Rita tools around the city as a prostitute.  In prison, Joe is given an aptitude test where it is determined that he is, indeed, the smartest man on the planet.

Word gets to the highest levels of government and after some hilarity with the president himself, Terry Crews as President Camacho, Joe becomes secretary of the interior where he is to solve the biggest problem in the country...plants won't grow and some other shit.

So, Joe (now known as Secretary Not Sure) must solve the riddle of no plants growing.  Turns out, people have been putting a Gatorade-like soft drink (Brawndo) onto their crops.  Apparently, Brawndo has electrolytes and is what plants crave.  Joe is like  "huh" and then suggests that instead of using Brawndo on the crops you use some water (Like from the toilet?).  The premise is so ridiculous but everyone in this movie is so stupid that it just fits.

I seriously could go on and on about this little cult classic.  Only 500K in worldwide sales?  Fuck, that's crazy.  Idiocracy is a very funny movie with so many tiny details that will make you chuckle and so many lines to quote when you are at parties.  Fun times.

Gotta go now, "Ow! My Balls" is on.

Maxi-Single #1: Drive

Back in the 80's and 90's the record companies had a practice of releasing singles to the world for their hot acts.  This started with 45rpm records is how my mom and many in her generation first heard "I wanna hold your hand" and "Jumpin' jack flash".  This was the 50's and 60's, of course.  But, during later generations the maxi-single tape and CD's came on strong.  If you don't remember these things in real lift, look it up...the concept is interesting.

Generally, a maxi-single is a single with more songs.  Typically, three.  The record companies released these as promotional materials (yeah, they sold them too) in order to push more records. Pretty clever.

Anyway, Stale Reviews is going to release our own series of Maxi-Singles.  These Maxi's will be theme-based.  So, you will see songs that are related in some way.  Maybe it'll be the title...like today's Maxi-single.  Or, it may be something more obscure like "songs from bands with a guitar player missing at least one finger".  We'll try to have a little fun with it.

Stale Reviews Maxi-single #1:  Drive

Track 1:  Drive
Artist:  Incubus
Album:  Make Yourself
www.incubushq.com

Oh boy!  First up is the biggest hit Incubus has ever put out, Drive.  Nice song, for sure.  According to Wikipedia, the Incubus song Drive is all about fear and how fear drives us and influences us throughout our whole lives.  I can see that.

"Whatever tomorrow brings I will be there, with open arms and open eyes".  

Track 2:  Drive

Artist:  The Cars

Album:  Heartbeat City

www.thecars.org

The second Drive track comes from post-new wave act The Cars.  The Cars are apparently still going strong after a very long hiatus in which singer Ric Ocasek went to do his own thing and produce other records (an endeavor which he is very successful).  

The Cars had like a billion top 10 hits in the late-70's and 80's...Shake It Up, You Might Think, My Best Friends Girl, Just What I Needed, and this one, Drive.  A slow jam.  Put it on, grab your girl or guy and have a slow dance or something.

Track 3:  Drive

Artist:  Dispatch

Album:  Bang Bang

www.dispatchmusic.com

Drive, by Massachusetts jam band Dispatch, is all acoustic guitars and bongos.  Seriously.  Ok, so there's a little more to it but you'll have to check it out.  Anyway, if you are not familiar with Dispatch...well, this will be where I get a charge out of telling someone about a band they hadn't

heard before.  

Let's just say this:  Zero publicity, zero play on the radio, zero notice...but somehow they sell out Madison Square Garden AND when they played in Mass for their "last" show they expected about 10-20K fans.  160,000 showed up for the free show.  Their albums are pretty amazing, too.  Check 'em out if you haven't already.

Stale Single #1: Jacob's Ladder

Song:  Jacob's Ladder
Artist:  Huey Lewis & The News
Album:  Fore!
Year:  1986

"Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?"

- Patrick Bateman, American Psycho

You know that scene in American Psycho where Patrick Bateman is giving his treatise on Huey Lewis and the News?  It's such a great scene because of the impending murder of who he is talking to, but also because of the simple idle chat of one of the greatest bands of the '80s.

For real.  Many of you all don't even remember the 1980's.  But, if you had any sense of the pulse of popular culture back then you would know all about Huey and his band.  Huey Lewis and the News was EVERYWHERE back in the day.  Movies (Back To The Future), TV shows, MTV, etc...the band was all over the place.  Say what you want about Huey Lewis and the News.  Tell me that they are lame '80s bullshit.  But, I will say "Fuck you, kind sir.  Huey Lewis and the News were the absolute shit".  Respectfully, of course.

Anyway,  Jacob's Ladder is one of my favorite tunes of Huey and the guys.  It wasn't really one of their smash hits back in the day but it's truly a great song.  Written by the venerable Bruce Hornsby and his brother, Bruce gave it to his friend Huey to record and use on their album.  Actually, Bruce and his band did a fantastic rendition of Jacob's Ladder on their album Scenes From The Southside.  

The song itself is all about rejecting those biblical proselytizers that often are seen on television spewing hellfire and brimstone or out and about on the street berating others about their lifestyle and their need to repent.

Like that poor fan-dancer out in the south side of Birmingham.

Life is a struggle, yo, says Huey through the lyrics of his friend Bruce.  But...step by step, one day at a time, anyone can make it through.  It's truly one of those uplifting songs.

So, this is our first Stale Single...hope you like it.  Sometimes it's fun just to look at one song, tell a quick story, and get the fuck out before anyone gets bored.

Stale Book Review #41: The Heist

The Heist by Daniel Silva

Cost: $6.98US

Page Count: 467

Daniel Silva writes a good spy story.  Simple.  Period.  He's does the espionage genre right.  For that, I respect his game.  Silva has not tried to branch out and write love stories (looking at you, Patterson) and hasn't tried his hand in the alien game (and looking at you King).  He stays to what has worked best for him, his magic formula if you will, and does a bang up job.

The Heist had been one of the few of Silva's works that I had not read.  It's fairly new-ish and, as you can guess, I don't buy new books.  So, I had to give it time to grow stale so I could pluck it from one of my favorite discount bookstores.  But, the jacket description intrigued me, I like his books anyway...well, it was a perfect storm for me to read the sucker.

Art.  Gabriel Allon, the master spy and protagonist in all of Silva's work, is a master art restorer. Many a book of Silva's starts with the work that Allon is performing now...stripping the veneer of an old master, touching up the hand of a fallen angel, blah blah blah.  The reader knows that the cover of an art restorer has worked well over the years.  But, one gets the feeling that as years have progressed, Allon just likes to do it and everyone seems to know who he really is.  That was the fun about the older books....no one knew!  That varnish has seemed to peel off, however.

But, I digress.  The Heist is all about Allon's art buddy Isherwood stumbling into a murder and a whole scheme ass backwards, Forrest Gump-style.  As per usual, Allon declares it his duty to fix things for his friend.  However, like an onion, the layers reveal that Isherwood has Gumped his way into a cluster fuck.

To help his friend, all Allon has to do is find the most famous missing piece of art in the world...a Carvaggio.  No easy task, this painting has been missing for decades.  Anyway, one thing is clear:  if Gabriel can help the Italian cops find the Carvaggio he will find the killers for the murder that Isherwood is being blamed for and that will clear his friend's name.  It's actually a straightforward story that has all the twists and turns you would expect in a Silva novel.

When Gabriel and his team head to Austria for the final confrontation, his team is assisted by an unlikely hero...a girl.  Don't want to give away to much here.  But, the girl has been seriously wronged in the past by the killers/thieves and is persuaded (Israeli-style) to participate in the operation.  It's a pretty cool turn of events that you will just have to read for yourselves.

I don't like to give away the endings of the book...if I like the book.  If the book is shit, yes I will tell you all the ending.  Fuck it, the book sucks you might as well give the ending away free, right? Anyway, The Heist is one of Silva's better recent works.  Therefore, you get no spoiler from me.

Anyway, The Heist is a really great, really quick read.  Crack it open, grab a beer, turn on the football game of your choice and sit back with a spy novel.  By the end of the day, you should have it finished, have a nice little buzz on, and be satisfied with the book that you just read.

Cheers!

Stale Book Review #40: The Millionaires

The Millionaires by Brad Meltzer

Cost: $5.99US

Page Count: 481

The Millionaires was Meltzer's third or fourth book that he had published.  It's not a bad effort in any respect.  However, it's really not all that memorable.  For example, I read the book a little over a month ago.  I had wanted to get a few books under my belt before I hit the Stale Review blog here and busted out a bunch of content at one time.  This happens sometimes.  Anyway, what I remember about The Millionaires is minuscule.

Jeebus, I don't even remember the two protagonists names.  I know they are brothers but the names escape me.  That's pretty bad.  Is one named Jeebus, by any chance?

So, I will write this with little memory of exact details.  Shit, this should be fun.  Well, at least for me.  You poor readers will just kind of be left in the dark.

Anyway, these two brothers are working at a bank.  One's a hotshot, up-and-coming account manager destined to do great things.  The other is a fuck-up.  Even though the two bro's have a slightly contentious relationship, they seem to get it together long enough to swipe hundreds of millions of dollars from the bank's "dead letter file".  People that die, no heirs, money has to go somewhere...etc. The brother's say "hey, we should take this cash...it's like 3 million bucks".  It turns out to be 300 million and the then a whole bunch of idiots get involved.  This means the government.

By the way, the let's steal a little bit of money and it turns out to actually be a whole lot was a giant premise of the movie Office Space.

So, the government starts on the trail of the thieves.  The brother's are, shockingly (emits sarcasm), double-crossed and end up being exonerated for their crimes because the theft turns out to be part of a much bigger conspiracy.

Actually, I don't quite remember the end of the book.  See?  Not memorable.  I know the brothers don't go to jail.  I also know they don't become stinking rich, either.  So, let's run off the assumption that they get away but have to give the money back.

Seriously, folks, just skip The Millionaires.  You won't remember what you read a month later.  Skip it.  Sorry, Meltzer, this wasn't one of your best.