Stale Book Review #42-44: I, Michael Bennett, Gone, Burn

I, Michael Bennett by James Patterson

Cost: $4.95US

Page Count: Some

When I sat down to write these reviews (3 for 1, right!) I skimmed through some other opinions on the internet and found that…well, just about everyone hates I, Michael Bennett.  Seems a little rough, but to each their own.

There is NOTHING better than a book written by James Patterson to break you of a serious reading slump.  His books are literary popcorn.  Page after page read and gone before you can blink an eye.  I, Michael Bennett is another one of his speed-readers.

I dislike the premise of the Bennett series from the start.  Mainly it had to do with the 10 kids, dead wife, grandfather priest, and hot nanny - thing.  So, I reluctantly picked up I, Michael Bennett and gave it a whirl.  It wasn't too bad.

Let's start at the beginning.  Warning, spoilers abound…because, well, I just don't care about you or your feelings.  So, Michael Bennett, a NYC detective collars a real bad guy, Mexican drug lord Manuel Perrine.  This is apparently a big deal and feather in the cap of Bennett.  Until, things go haywire.

Bennett's good friend gets shot and all hell breaks loose because Perrine really, really does not want to be in jail.

Meanwhile, in Upstate New York, hot nanny has the kids and the priest on a little family summer vacation.  Bennett joins when he can…with the trial going on in the city, it's tough.  So, the family has having a great time in a cabin near a town where tough times have fallen.  Once an idyllic rural town, drugs and gangs have taken over…welcome to America, Mr. Patterson.

Here's the rest:  2 of Bennett's kids get shot because they were trying to get some poontang.  Bennett gets pissed.  Bennett is also working with an old (hot) friend on the Perrine case because she is a DA. Back and forth between vacation and work for Michael.  Drug gangs in Smalltown USA are paid by Perrine's people to get Bennett.  Doesn't work.  Bennett clears the gangs with the help of the local police force and Perrine escapes during his trial.  Then…Bennett and his brood must relocate with the help of the US Marshal Service.  Witness protection, baby!

Since you are getting 3 reviews in 1 these will be quick…Patterson-style.
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Gone by James Patterson

Cost: $2.95US

Page Count: Some

Gone picks up right where I, Michael Bennett leaves off.  The Bennett gang has been moved out to Northern California to a farm. The kids, predictably, both love and hate it.  Hot nanny really loves it as she was raised on a farm.  Priest doesn't give a shit.

But Bennett, HATES it.  No policing to be done.

Perrine has people out to find and kill Bennett because he hates him, of course.  Thus begins a game of hide and seek.  Bennett is homeschooling the family and Gone deals a lot with the dynamics of the family unit.  This was boring to we.  Who cares, really?

A friendly pot farmer nearby is introduced (then killed).  He seems cool.

Perrine's folks finally find Bennett's group and perform a raid while Bennett is gone consulting with the FBI and another hot female.  Kind of predictable.

Anyway, Bennett rushes back to find dead people and no family.  Where are they?  With the kindly pot farmer, of course.  Pot guy has a sweet underground bunker and has everyone safe.  Then…he gets killed trying to save the day.  Who says potheads don't have an industrious streak?

The US then raids Perrine's compound in Mexico and that fucker is killed dead.

The Bennett's can now go back to NYC.  Yay.
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Burn by James Patterson

Cost: $3.95US

Page Count: Some

So, I read these three right in a row.  This is something I hardly ever do and I wish I would have stopped with Gone.  But, no.  Burn was in the bargain bin so I had to keep going.

Anyway, the Bennett's are now back to their old lives in NYC.  Kids are in school. Hot nanny and Bennett are heating things up…a little.  Bennett is back to work.  Sort of.

Bennett has been reassigned and is disappointed.  He has been put with a ragtag community policing division and things couldn't be more dull.

That is until Bennett is asked to consult on some major jewel heists.  This is cool…I like a good jewel heist.  However, this part of the story falls flat.  Bummer.

Now for the cannibalism.

Apparently, there is a section of the upper crust of society that enjoys eating people. Neat.  Bennett and his team get on this case…due mainly to some burned building.  Anyway, Bennett turns his little unit of miscreant cops into a crime fighting machine.  That's nice.

Police work ensues and Bennett and his crew figure it all out.

The end.

Wish I had not have read this one.

Stale Book Review #36: The English Girl

The English Girl by Daniel Silva

Cost: $6.98US

Page Count: 473

There is something about Silva's Gabriel Allon series that is just kind of cool.  For the uninitiated, Allon is a spy for the Israelis.  He's also as masterful at restoring masterpiece paintings as he is with wielding a firearm.  Allon is a complicated figure that, like a ripened onion, has many, many layers.  This...is pretty cool.

In The English Girl, Gabriel Allon is called upon by high ranking officials in the British government to solve a small problem.  An English girl has gone missing.  But, no, this ain't no ordinary, jacked-tooth Brit.  She's a beauty, and she's smart.  It also turns out she is the mistress of the prime minister.  The plot thickens!

Owing some sort of debt to the Brits, Allon agrees to investigate.  With minimal help from MI5 coming, the master spy has to reach out to some unorthodox "friends".  These friends are on the island of Corsica, one man is an all powerful boss (think the Godfather) and one is an assassin.  The assassin has also tried to take Allon's life...Thomas Keller.  After little fanfare, an agreement is made between Gabriel and Keller and the two set off to find out what happened to Madeline Hart.

Their journey criss crosses the European continent:  Corsica to France to Great Britain to the heart of Russia.  It really is kind of a fun ride.

At the heart of the mystery is a Russian energy congolomorate that must be infiltrated.  For this, Gabriel calls in his team from Israel. The Israelis somehow find a way into the secretive Russian world that is still backed by old school KGB dudes.  From here, the house of cards tumbles and there is bloodshed and intrigue.  Good stuff.

I won't tell you if they get the girl (they do) or how they do it (trickery).  But, I can tell you that The English Girl is worth your time.  

A fun read, fo shizzle.

Stale Book Review #24: The Burning Wire

The Burning Wire by Jeffrey Deaver

Cost: $4.95US 

Page Count: 414

This review has been sitting in my 'Draft' folder for a little while now.  I figure that I might as well go ahead and write the review before every single detail about the book goes right on out of my head.  These things tend to happen.

Anyway, The Burning Wire is yet another in the Lincoln Rhyme series of books by Jeff Deaver.  For those that have never read a Rhyme book here's a little bit of info:  Rhyme was a hotshot forensic detective dude before he got injured and is now a quadriplegic.  He struggles with the condition but his mind is sharp and he still solves crimes with the assistance of Amelia Sachs, a cop and his lover.  Interesting, yes.  But, I am never interested in the romantic aspects of any book.  It just doesn't get to me like it does some people.

An interesting side note:  In the movie adaptation of The Bone Collector (an early Deaver work), Lincoln Ryhme is played by none other than Denzel Washington.  I love Denzel but Rhyme is clearly a white dude in the books.  Read them and you will see.  The casting really threw me off and ruined what could've been a great flick.  Still got love for you Denzel!

In The Burning Wire, a killer is on the loose and Rhyme and his team must catch him using their wits and forensics and such.  Not really a new plot theme, Deaver.  But anyway, the killer is using massive amounts of electricity to kill the victims.  That one IS new and pretty cool.  As is Deaver's style, the reader is led down many wrong paths, is pointed at would-be suspects that turn out to be innocent, and the like.  The Burning Wire doesn't have many surprises.  Until the end.

A side-plot of the novel is Rhyme's tracking, along with Mexican officials, of his arch-nemesis The Watchmaker.  The final showdown and reveal of the killer at the end of the book is what makes the whole thing worth reading.  It's actually kind of cool that Deaver somehow got his main plot and sub-plot to intertwine at the end.  But, I am not giving away book endings and shit.  That ain't my style.

You've gotta read it for yourself.  Or, check out the synopsis on Wikipedia if you're a punk-bitch and don't want to read the book.  If you can't afford it, shoot me an email and I'll send you my copy for free!

Stale Book Review #23: Inferno

Inferno by Dan Brown

Cost: $0.00US (Gift)

Page Count: 611

Ah, Dan Brown.  For all of his supposed faults, the man can write a fuckin' story.  Yes, there are those that nitpick on his 'facts' and claims.  I disagree with those people for one reason:  Brown is a FICTION writer and has, to my knowledge, never claimed to be writing true stories.  So, Inferno is another Brown work that I'm sure will get the history-buff's panties into quite a twist.

Inferno follows the ever-present Brown protagonist, Robert Langdon throughout Italy (again) while he efforts to regain his lost memory.  Yes, at the beginning of the book Langdon is suffering from a bout of amnesia.  Not the most clever start of a novel, but I can live with it.  Anyway, the chase is on with a cabal of enemies (again) as Langdon tries to find the missing death mask of famed author, Dante.  You know, the guy from the Divine Comedy fame.

So anyway, Langdon gets help from a lady (again), Sienna, a kind doctor who was helping him during his convalescence.  There's a whole twist about Sienna that you will have to read for yourself.  But, as usual, the inclusion of a secondary female character is getting a bit old.  Brown really needs to work on this aspect of his novels.  Sienna and Langdon find a little projector thingie that shows a map of Hell that must be interpreted if the mystery is to be solved.  Luckily, Langdon is a fucking genius at that shit.

Of course there are chases, gunshots, secret passages, and items within magnificent works of art that must be interpreted to reveal the location of the mask.  Of course there are bad guys hell bent on making sure Langdon fails.  Of course there are conspiracies involved.  Hell, this is what makes a Dan Brown novel.  Why should he stray from the formula?  It's made him one rich motherfucker.  

What's cool about Inferno is that there is never a lack of action.  The book ALWAYS moves along.  That is what makes Brown so popular.  People want to read a book that goes along at a brisk pace and Brown appeals to the TV watching public.  Kudos...he's a smart dude.

No spoilers here, folks.  You've just got to read the book.  Trust me, if you have a fifth grade education you can read this novel in no time.  

So, is Inferno worth a read?  Sure.  Is it something that is going to tax your brain and really cause you to think about the plot line?  Fuck no.  Inferno is the perfect beach-read or vacation novel.  It won't crush your brain and it'll keep your attention.

Is this 'high literature'?  Nope.  But, it's fun and that's what we look for in popular novels.

Isn't it?

Stale Book Review #21: The Closers

The Closers by Michael Connelly

Cost: $1.00US

Page Count: 403

The Closers is yet another Harry Bosch novel in the canon of M. Connelly.  While I normally really enjoy the Bosch novels, this one didn't really stick with me.  Seriously.  I finished it a little over a week ago and am having serious trouble trying to remember much about the book.  So, this review may be a little off kilter.

Harry Bosch had spent three years away from police work.  In The Closers, he returns to work with his old partner Kiz Rider in the unsolved crimes unit.  There is little pressure within the unsolved crimes unit and that doesn't really seem to fit with Bosch and his personality.  Anyway, the two snag an extremely old case and begin to work the case.  Turns out, there are some big wigs in the police force that were involved over twenty years ago on this case.

So, Bosch and Rider have to navigate some shitty police politics while still trying to solve the case.  Without giving much away, shit hits the fan and some big time officials get their asses in hot water.  Which, for Connelly, is fairly par for the course.

In The Closers, Michael Connelly didn't really break much new ground.  In fact, he may have written his most forgettable novel.  Which is a bummer because Connelly is a fairly talented writer and Harry Bosch is a haunted and interesting character.

This book...well, I can't tell you if it was good or bad.  It just was...there to be read.